I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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