every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
