Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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