someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
this will be a night to untag.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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