i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize