She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
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