thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Someone signed my nipple.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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