She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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