I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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