Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize