The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
