yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
