im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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