Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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