I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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