i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
