Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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