I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
