So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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