the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
