God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This baby is an asshole
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
