dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
