I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
