i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
