I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
