I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
