Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
