im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
