how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
