I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
