I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
