I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
