Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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