She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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