Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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