Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just high enough for therapy.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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