Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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