somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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