I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
