I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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