I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
