At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
