So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
