This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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