did you get engaged???
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
