I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
