apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
We smell like vodka and hangover
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