I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
