I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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