The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
