Already got asked if we're dating
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
