Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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