i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize